The Real Most Interesting Man in the World

My life was meaningless before you
Until you entered my life I was a rudderless ship
Your infinite wisdom has finally given me the direction
I need to survive this long, strange trip

I appreciate beyond words the time you’ve taken to
Pass on your vast wealth of knowledge
It speaks to your brilliance that you know everything
About everything yet you went to an aviation-only college

A subject matter expert on all subjects
Keeping all that wisdom to yourself would truly be a crime
Think of all that I could learn from you
If you ever managed to show up to work on time

In a former life you must have been a ninja because
You get away with a lot due to your apparent stealth
You forget to do half of your tasks, are always two hours late, and
Never remember to shower, which I hear is bad for your health

So what if your hygiene leaves something to be desired
Maybe its an integral part of one of your master plans
Who else could get away with an avalanche of dandruff
And odors that probably come from having overactive sweat glands

By the stories you tell, I’m envious of how
You have such an adoring and smitten girlfriend
I know it wasn’t your lack of social skills that drew her in
But just maybe that weird cough acts as a mating call, and that I would commend

I’ve grown fond of the way you always
Act like you’re doing me a favor
And how you constantly look down on me
Trust me, that’s truly endearing behavior

Even more impressive than the fact that you’re always right
Is the fact that you are never, ever wrong
That is reason enough to look down on all of us mere mortals
A god among men, this office is obviously where you belong

I'll forever

I'll forever be inspired
By all that you did
By all that you stand for

I'll forever regret
that we never got more time together
that you never knew how you affected me

I'll forever care
even though i can't remember the last time i told you
because although you were never the mushy type i know how much you cared

I'll forever remember
your strength and conviction
your wit and your many talents

I'll forever compare
how much we are alike
my love of writing to yours

I'll forever smile
When I see Larry King on late at night or a box of Fig Newtons
When I think of the Appalachian woman on your book or the god damned Waltons

I'll forever miss
the impact you had on everyone, big or small
the way you always affected those around you, good or bad

I'll forever regret
that i never made more of an effort to learn from you
that i never made more of an effort for you to know me because I am too selfish

I'll forever think of you
whenever i'm around the rest of the family
whenever i write something because i think you'd like that

I'll forever be thankful
because i think you bequeathed onto me your affinity for prose
because the values passed down to me were passed down from you

I'll forever wish
that we were closer literally and figuratively
that you could read this

I'll forever cherish my memories of you
because you may have had your own way to showing it but you loved all of us
because i took for granted all that you meant to me

I'll forever hope
that you know everything written here
that you feel that way too

I'll forever pray
that you're at peace
that the gifts that were stolen from you will be returned

I'll forever love you
because you were the silent influence on my life
because you are my Grandmother and you can never be replaced

This shit is true genius

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done --
'It's very rude of him.' she said,
'To come and spoil the fun!'

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead --
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand:
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
'If this were only cleared away,'
They said, 'it would be grand.'

'If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
'That they could get it clear?'
'l doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

'O Oysters, come and walk with us!
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.'

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head --
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

Out four young Oysters hurried up.
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat --
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more --
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'

'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!'
'No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
'Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed --
Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'

'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
'After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!'
'The night is fine,' the Walrus said,
'Do you admire the view?'

'It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'Cut us another slice-
I wish you were not quite so deaf-
I've had to ask you twice!'

'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
'To play them such a trick.
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'The butter's spread too thick!'

'I weep for you,'the Walrus said:
'I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
'You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none --
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

-Lewis Carroll

My Battles with Aquaman

Twice a week, during the semester, I suit up and head out for battle, anticipating the presence of my nemesis in life, Aquaman. He’s not entirely the same as the one in the comic book. Instead of being able to control fish with his my mind, my Aquaman smells like four week old fish that was caught in the radioactive waters of the Inner Harbor of Baltimore. He doesn’t wield a spear or a trident or anything cool, his weapons of choice are his extremely annoying personality AND his spastic body (that way he can scar me physically as well as emotionally! Super!) My Aquaman and I don’t do battle in an ocean; we square off on a basketball court (although two trips down the court and he’s already sweating like he just swam across the English Channel). The real reason for this wildly creative nickname I came up with, is his costume. My usual rec center attire consists of shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt, two pairs of socks, basketball shoes, and a knee brace (I’m not all that skilled so the brace gives me an excuse if I play a bad game). Aquaman’s uniform consists of an orange Under Armour shirt and green Under Armour shorts which fit nicely overtop of his black Under Armour tights (which I think he washes once a semester, hence his odor). Every so often he mixes things up with a sweat band or two but for the most part it’s generally always the same. He wears simple but fairly expensive Nike Shox that are black with green trim. This is because it’s imperative to match from head to toe in order to play to your max potential (the real reason the Men’s Basketball team lost to Morgan State wasn’t the lack of a polished big man, it was the lack of matching team shoes, duh).

Anyone who has ever played basketball anywhere is familiar with this kind of guy. His appearance is annoying but by itself not enough to make you hate a person to the point where you want leave an open can of tuna fish under his pillow for several weeks. Remember that obnoxious personality I spoke of; that’s what sets this guy apart. Plenty of people think they are more athletic than they really or are a better shooter than they actually are (I’d like to again apologize to my Intramural team for that game last year where I was 0-12 behind the arc, I really thought I could shoot out of it). Anyway, this in itself is a common flaw to think you’re a rec center All Star when in fact your just a solid player. Aquaman however, commits the Cardinal Sin of pick up basketball. He calls for the ball, over dribbles, drives into traffic, throws up a wild shot and then calls out his teams for not “cutting to the hoop.” Then he stays on that end of the floors while the other team scores because his squad is now a man down on defense, all the while he’s shouting, “Yo, pick up my man, pick up my man.” At the end of the game he will generally have about 5 of his team’s 6 points (on 5-17 shooting with 8 turnovers) and his man will only have about 2 points himself but will have dished out 8 assists because someone is always leaving their guy to cover his. This is where Aquaman makes me crazier than the Joker (maybe I read to many comics as a child). Aquaman will walk off the court mumbling about how bad his team was because he “had all the points and his man only scored on him like once.” When the team playing next is short one, they will inevitably pick him up because they saw his only 5 makes and then they will suffer the same fate as his first team. This is why playing on his team is almost as painful as being constantly fouled if your on the other team and he gets matched up with you (yes, that’s where my black eye last semester came from if you were wondering).

There’s nothing wrong with not being good at something, I play for exercise and with the hope of getting better. The problem is if you suck and manage to ruin other people’s fun. I don’t care if someone on my team misses a lay up or dribbles off his foot (not saying I’ve never let a few profanities fly over this) but as long as they hustle back on defense, it’s all good in the end…unless your wardrobe only consists of matching Under Armour outfits, then I’ll hate you more than class on the day before Thanksgiving, no matter how good you are.

ear to ear

a front for all occasions
no matter what you really feel, it suits you

a mask you always have with you
it seems foreign to those who don't wear it often

a shroud to hide your true feelings
let it conceal your anger, your pain, your sadness

a vale to cover up all insecurity
it can help you fit in when you feel isolated

a shield to keep you from being vulnerable
armor that can't be pierced

a good friend, a loyal friend
it will comfort you always

a cure to all that ails you
this prescription can always be filled

a miracle that will change your life
use it often and it will become second nature

a new way to live
now you do it because it feels right

a powerful answer
it makes you forget the question

a wardrobe you can't be overdressed in
wear it wherever you go, whatever the occasion

a smile
it may not equal happiness, but it’s a start

hooray for today

I tried to go to bed nice an early (around 930) but couldnt sleep because my knee hurt from basketball earlier that night. Finally after watching the end of the unc wake game i was tired enough to try sleep thru it. I finally fell asleep around 11. Then at 1230 someone text messaged me and woke me up, which is a pain because once im back awake the whole awful process of falling asleep starts all over again. So around 2 i was finally asleep. This only leaves me 3 hours to sleep because i need to wake up at 5 to be ready for work on time. After not getting much sleep, i over slept until 518. I have to be ready to leave by 6 because thats when my ride leaves so we can be to work on time. I scrambled and was outside (where it was 23 degreees) waiting for him by 605. His car was there so i knew he didnt leave without me but he didnt come outside so i wasnt sure what to do. At 610 he finally came outside to tell me he really overslept and is just gonna work late today and hed see me tomorrow. so that meant i had to run back inside, get my keys, scrape the ice off my windshield and rush to the metro station. I finally got on the road by 620 which is generally about the time im arriving at the station. So i sped to work in really thick traffic, the whole time wishing i was lucky like shia lebitch and that my car would transform at any second and id be able to stomp a hole in the idiot tailgating me. when i finally got there, the metro was crowded and i had to sit next to some smelly weirdo, who was laughing at the crime section of the newspaper, while the heater in the car burned the hair off the left side of my head because it was set to "volanic". All in all i was only 18 mins late to work. once at work things slowed down for a bit which was nice until i decided to talk to my boss about getting leave for thursday so i could work my other internship. He said sure but i couldnt use my RDO (registered day off) cuz i only get 1 per pay period so id just have to use leave, which i knew. I just didnt know how much leave i had. So i wanted to check. Upon checking it said i had 0 hours of leave. Our office secretary told me i had probably been paid for it after working here over the summer but she didnt know for sure. She gave me the name of another woman to speak to and that woman, christine, told me to check my last pay stub on employee express, the payroll website. I figured that didnt seem too tough...wrong. I didnt remember the password from summer so i asked for a new one. But instead of the email me option, it gave me the mail me option. So in a week i can expect an actual letter with my new password (which will end up being voided out anyway). I decided to try and remember my password which failed miserably and i tried so many times it locked me out. So i called their help desk and waited on hold for 13 minutes. Then a man named beau (im assuming from the dukes of hazard) told me it was my agencies fault not his so i should stop blaming him...the problem was obviously with my pop up blocker. After 5 minutes of arguing with this i.t. einstein i convinced him that when i told him my pop up blocker was off that i wasnt just "pullin his leg." Then he blamed it on my "furwall", told me to call my agencys i.t. and to have a nice day. i know for a fact i have been on that site before and neither my furwall nor my firewall stopped me, so i knew he was wrong. I went back on the employee express site and tried to redo the email me feature, so i could avoid calling him back. i filled out all the info correctly 8 different times but it kept telling me one piece of info was wrong, so i kept re trying all of it...it turned out my birthday was wrong...silly me after 20 years i dont know the day i was born. i forget ALOT of stuff, but i know my birthday altho according to them i dont. so because they think my bday is different than i do (maybe they know something i dont) i figured id see what they think that bday actually is. so i called their help desk again where i waited for 18 minutes this time. The next woman, who sounded like she was the inspirational character behind the beverly hillbillies, was nicer and while ignorant, was semi less worthless. she again blamed my agency and told me to call "them people" i "worked about with" (whatever that even means). she told me to call "burburuh willyams" at "ta un ta- ta sex sev- three et sev three"...she got really annoyed when she had to repeat that for me 5 times, man am i an idiot cuz i cant even take down a simple phone #...at least she could say three right, gotta give her that. So i checked for barbara williams in our employee directory and it had the same number that i had translated from hillbilly (its a sad day when they let people who dropped out of a west virginia community college run a government related employee payroll site, i can thank george bush for that im sure). anyway, i call mrs williams and she doesnt answer. so i call our HR person, christine, back and ask her to call our payroll and see if i got paid for those leave hours and she said sure but it might take a few days (which is sweet cuz im only here till friday and the day i wanted off was thursday, there goes that). After that i tried barbara williams back and after making me explain my problem 4 times, she said sure shed look into it for me and call me back in a bit even though she wasnt sure how she would go about seeing what birthday they actually had stored for me. (i'm sure somehow this is all my fault where on 1 of the 83 forms i filled out to be rehired here i wrote that day's date on a birthdate line so they wrote down i was born 12/14/2008, because noway that would seem odd to anyway entering it into the system). its currently 1238, i havent been able to actually do any of my real work, i havent eaten really today and the best thing i can say about today so far is that for the most part every1 has been really nice if not totally stupid. oh and i set up a computer for a new employee i probly wont meet until i come back to work here this summer..that really validated me waking up today, good thing this day wasnt a total abortion from the start! the minute i get in my front door tonight around (which means at no point today will i see the sun), im eating dinner, turning my phone off, and sleeping from like 7pm till 5am; just to make up for the fact that today ive spent more time on the phone today then i spent asleep last night. that is the single thought keeping me from walking out of the building right now, good thing i only have another 4 hours of work left, plus an hour and fifteen minute commute! Standing on the metro on a day where my knee is swollen with fluid like a deformed grape fruit sounds ideal. im about to lance my knee cap because honestly its not like i could be in more physical discomfort anyway and theyd have to let me use my sick leave then right? right? Thats what i get for trying to play basketball last night and enjoy myself instead of just resigning to the fact that my life is the equivalent of a gawdawful sitcom. its not funny to me (but neither were 36% of all episodes of Friends)and i know itd get better ratings that house of payne, the #1 rated cable sitcom in 2008! God bless america but as soon as i have enough money im heading south to try and start a chain of bait shops on the coast in the yucatan area of mexico.

Dream of the day

I dream of the day
When I can say all that I want to say
When I can confess all that I desire
Finally say what I require

I dream of the day
When I wake up to sunshine instead of grey
A day filled with smiling to the greatest degree
I'll get there eventually, only then will I be free

I dream of the day
When there are no dues left to pay
I've put in my time, when will I see my reward
I long to have my faith restored

I dream of the day
Maybe tomorrow? But I thought that about today
I don't know who you are, but I'll know when its you
I'll keep my eyes open, I figure I'm due