My Battles with Aquaman

Twice a week, during the semester, I suit up and head out for battle, anticipating the presence of my nemesis in life, Aquaman. He’s not entirely the same as the one in the comic book. Instead of being able to control fish with his my mind, my Aquaman smells like four week old fish that was caught in the radioactive waters of the Inner Harbor of Baltimore. He doesn’t wield a spear or a trident or anything cool, his weapons of choice are his extremely annoying personality AND his spastic body (that way he can scar me physically as well as emotionally! Super!) My Aquaman and I don’t do battle in an ocean; we square off on a basketball court (although two trips down the court and he’s already sweating like he just swam across the English Channel). The real reason for this wildly creative nickname I came up with, is his costume. My usual rec center attire consists of shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt, two pairs of socks, basketball shoes, and a knee brace (I’m not all that skilled so the brace gives me an excuse if I play a bad game). Aquaman’s uniform consists of an orange Under Armour shirt and green Under Armour shorts which fit nicely overtop of his black Under Armour tights (which I think he washes once a semester, hence his odor). Every so often he mixes things up with a sweat band or two but for the most part it’s generally always the same. He wears simple but fairly expensive Nike Shox that are black with green trim. This is because it’s imperative to match from head to toe in order to play to your max potential (the real reason the Men’s Basketball team lost to Morgan State wasn’t the lack of a polished big man, it was the lack of matching team shoes, duh).

Anyone who has ever played basketball anywhere is familiar with this kind of guy. His appearance is annoying but by itself not enough to make you hate a person to the point where you want leave an open can of tuna fish under his pillow for several weeks. Remember that obnoxious personality I spoke of; that’s what sets this guy apart. Plenty of people think they are more athletic than they really or are a better shooter than they actually are (I’d like to again apologize to my Intramural team for that game last year where I was 0-12 behind the arc, I really thought I could shoot out of it). Anyway, this in itself is a common flaw to think you’re a rec center All Star when in fact your just a solid player. Aquaman however, commits the Cardinal Sin of pick up basketball. He calls for the ball, over dribbles, drives into traffic, throws up a wild shot and then calls out his teams for not “cutting to the hoop.” Then he stays on that end of the floors while the other team scores because his squad is now a man down on defense, all the while he’s shouting, “Yo, pick up my man, pick up my man.” At the end of the game he will generally have about 5 of his team’s 6 points (on 5-17 shooting with 8 turnovers) and his man will only have about 2 points himself but will have dished out 8 assists because someone is always leaving their guy to cover his. This is where Aquaman makes me crazier than the Joker (maybe I read to many comics as a child). Aquaman will walk off the court mumbling about how bad his team was because he “had all the points and his man only scored on him like once.” When the team playing next is short one, they will inevitably pick him up because they saw his only 5 makes and then they will suffer the same fate as his first team. This is why playing on his team is almost as painful as being constantly fouled if your on the other team and he gets matched up with you (yes, that’s where my black eye last semester came from if you were wondering).

There’s nothing wrong with not being good at something, I play for exercise and with the hope of getting better. The problem is if you suck and manage to ruin other people’s fun. I don’t care if someone on my team misses a lay up or dribbles off his foot (not saying I’ve never let a few profanities fly over this) but as long as they hustle back on defense, it’s all good in the end…unless your wardrobe only consists of matching Under Armour outfits, then I’ll hate you more than class on the day before Thanksgiving, no matter how good you are.